Slutty Faggot Considerations

6 June 2025

Upon setting out with the intention of writing on my experiences as a slutty faggot,

I predicted this to be a very difficult post for me to write, for shame, for fear, but I also predicted that it would be an incredibly easy post to write, for familiarity.

I am a transgender woman. As far as transgender women go, I believe that I move through life in ways that are more aligned with gay men than most. I came out in high school and felt as though no one believed me. I still often feel as though no one believes me. when I have intimate physical relations with another man, I feel an incredibly rare feeling and deeply beautiful: effortless womanhood.

To truly set the scene,

I have hooked up with quite a decent number of men, and furthermore I look forward to hooking up with a great deal many more. I have been doing this since I was 18 or 19, and I am 25 now. Rarely have I gone for more than 3 months without some dick. A couple years ago, I was regularly being laid out by one individual. The past year, it's usually about twice a month that i've been regularly having sex with a man who's more than twice my age. We have a very nice relationship, and though it's practically absent of emotional intimacy, the sex is fucking amazing. Often, we invite other men--once, I took 5 different men in just one night. In my experience of hookup culture, we rarely exchange names, though we exchange things more practical: personal sexual ideals, meaningful but never challenging conversation; we frequently share water, occasionally food, and then there's the odd sextoy or clothing garment. I was given a dildo to hold onto for someone just tonight, and oddly enough, I know his first name.

Writing now, I find it dreadfully difficult to determine at what level of detail & granularity would I be breaching the unwritten laws of TMI. It feels to me a shameful topic to write upon, what with those great and popular forces of homophobia, transphobia, and slut-shaming. Conversely however, I feel wrong for my shame: it feels wrong not being strong-willed enough to negate these forces--at the very least, surely I ought to be free of them in my own head, right? No, it's just not that easy, those marked by stigma are destined to battle against self-hatred, for better or worse. These frameworks of thinking were designed to torment me and my friends on a deeply personal level and so it is only right for me to make myself strong against them! I ask myself, "Why do I still feel scared to speak on this issue?" They want me to be scared to speak on this issue. They want me to be scared to speak on this issue! And so it clearly follows that I simply must speak on it. I will do my best to hold nothing back, from here forward...

I love fucking men. I love being a woman with a cock. Our detractors will often express a sentiment that we think we're special--take for example the snowflake dogwhistle that seems to have fallen by the wayside. Despite the best efforts of their jokes, I know that homosexuality and being transgender are profoundly special things--special in the sense of being beautiful abnormalities. These things are special for the courage required of them, and if you are ever doubtful of that courage that I repeat is required of them, I will advise you to look into

the estimated percentage of those closeted,
gay & trans panic laws, and
LGBTQ suicide statistics.

I felt beautiful today hearing a hookup emphatically command my boyfriend, "Suck her cock!"--the phrase has a poetic beauty to me, I felt lovely to be 'Her' who this man has been commanded another man to suck the cock of. More importantly--though less poignant, this hookup was sweet and later adjusted his command in a similar situation to "Eat her ass" because I told him that I don't like getting my cock sucked that much.

I have known myself to be bisexual for as long as i've been able to consider attraction, maybe when I was 8 or 9. I have done my best to know myself to be transgender since I was 16. I have been open about my transgendered feelings since I was 17, and it came at the same time of a great mental catastrophe* that had me in the hospital for months. Due to this catastrophe, I felt as though I would never be believed. To this day, it feels as though a thing that means little to others: I still feel as though I am seen of as a man by nearly all those I come across that aren't themselves transgender. My brother, ever so thankfully, is an exception.

The keen-eyed among you took note that I contrasted "[having] known myself to be bisexual" with "[having] done my best to know myself to be transgender", though I will expound upon it for its importance. It's shameful to admit I feel as though I've suppressed a great deal of my transgender feelings, it feels shameful still to consider the excuses I've made for denying myself transgender experiences: "it felt impossible," "it was to aid my survival" understandable excuses though they are. Genuinely, I knew bisexuality was an option for longer so I've had more time to grapple with it, and possibly even more significant, there is a less deadly stigma against the bisexual than there is against the transgender.

Being the person that I am, it's not easy for to go long periods of time without considering those stigmata with which I am personally burdened: I am half black, I have been diagnosed with intellectual disability, I am openly & actively bisexual, I am a regular user of recreational drugs beyond weed and alcohol, I am schizo & have suffered psychosis too many times to count... Considering these things in tandem always reminds me of a friend Josie telling me that I have a "low position on the necro totem"--I just messaged her to ask about this and she didn't remember saying it & asked me what the necro totem was. I cannot adequately express how it feels, how deeply affirmed and truly seen I felt over those words that were... misheard, misremembered or forgotten. It's more than a small bit funny to me! From our latest converastion, I got out of her a new more easily interpreted statement on the topic: "as far a necropolitics goes, you’re in the trenches on the frontline." Truly, thank you Josie. Thank you for seeing this in me.

My advice to any young/closeted/scared faggots is

to stay calm, know that it's okay to be gentle, know that it's okay to be out, know that it's okay to be closeted (but know that we're quite scared without you)... I implore you to know that it's okay to be a slut, and if you you happen to disagree, I am asking you to seriously consider why that is. Being out is such a burden, we are living in a dangerous world.

I want you to know that it's okay and deeply beautiful even to want to be a different gender, as well. I wish I had words that could express the depths of love and community I've found within transgender people, being a transgender person. I would love to be able to simply impart to you what sisterhood means to me, but I'm also glad that it's a secret that will only truly reveal itself to the afflicted. Here's an idea of it: Earlier, I said I often still feel as though no one believes that I am a woman. While it is true that I often feel that way, I can recognize that the feeling is a deep insult to those trans women that make up the majority of my friends--I understand that the feeling is not justified, because I truly see my sisters as women, even at their most butch/stealth. This can be extrapolated upon in an inversion: if I fail to see myself as a woman, I know that my sisters will see me as I truly am. That's probably the best argument I could make for coming out of the closet.

Thank you for your time. Happy pride, and Have a faggy day.

P.S -- This pride month I intend to get back on HRT. I believe I can do it, there's a clinic in my state and I believe I read that my insurance covers transportation for 1 healthcare visit a week or a month or something. Wish me luck! I'll try and keep you updated.

*I wish to speak more on this catastrophe, but that is an entirely separate blogpost.